What I thought was independence was really just fear of abandonment—finding my way back to love

🟠 “So, you’re into marriage, and it seems very important to you,” my consultant said, dissatisfied.

“I decided to live on my own, by the way.”

After that session, I decided to stop visiting her. No offense—I couldn’t expect perfectly qualified psychological assistance when I was paying only $5 per session. It was a good deal, considering that the average price for seeing a Russian psychotherapist starts at $35 per session. She did help me, and I took it as a sign that I no longer needed her support.

But it’s very interesting—I was criticized for valuing marriage, or, in general, for valuing long-term relationships.

And, you know, for finding common ground even when my spouse and I are on different pages in some areas of our lives.

It’s very, very funny.

Because…

🔹 I once promised myself I would never get married again, after my divorce from my first husband. Not because my relationship was especially abusive or bad—he was as bad as any other partner from that “previous life”: diminishing, criticizing, not making any money, and taking advantage of a naïve, sheltered daughter of a somewhat influential man who paid no attention to her. A people-pleaser, not knowing her own worth.

But it wasn’t something catastrophic.

I just candidly hated the idea of marriage—it seemed so suffocating, full of rules, and commitment with no joy. Something that would definitely steal my freedom.

Ha. What I perceived as a craving for “independence” was actually abandonment trauma. I desperately wanted a true connection with someone, having been very alone all my life. Eventually, I convinced myself that I wanted to be solo, that I didn’t need anyone.

Only now, when I’m much closer to who I really am, do I understand that family is truly one of my biggest values in life. One of them. I value my career just as much as I value relationships. They are both very important to me.

❤️ I rely on sincere, deep connections. I always had this particular vision in my mind: I want my partner to be my best friend, the person I can be completely honest with. Not someone I would complain about to my girlfriends. No. A true connection, where your partner is your best friend.

I respect other choices, of course. But now, I realize how important it is for me to be in a long-term relationship.

Maybe someone was so overwhelmed by the constant presence of others that they now crave solitude. But me, on the contrary, I found happiness in no longer being alone—

in finally having the family I lacked all my life.