The post about toxicity in the Buddhist community has become the most commented one on my FB blog ever.
It seems I hit the target—this is a big problem. The main reason, I think, that many people who land in spiritual communities have deep neuroses related to anger expression, is because they are told repeatedly that their feelings are not legitimate—this time because they’re not “spiritual.”
Initially, it has nothing to do with “being a good person,” in my opinion. It’s just that we are damaged, sensitive, and frightened to face these feelings.
Don’t get me wrong—there are people with anger issues. But I, and the people I’m referring to, are on the opposite end of the spectrum. We aren’t angry enough to navigate daily life. We lack healthy anger. Anger to protect ourselves. Anger to be. Anger to manifest. Anger to express who we are.
Anger is a way of saying, “I’m here. I exist. I’m important. My feelings matter.”
It’s a way of saying, “Do not abuse me. This is not right.”
How many chances did we have to express our anger when we were children in abusive households? Tiny humans in need of care, love, and a helping hand while we were growing up?
Zero.
The adults around us—deeply upset with their own existence, desperately trying to maintain a facade, dissatisfied, furious—could only vent their anger toward their children. These little fuckers aren’t going anywhere, right? So practically, adults could do anything to us. Whatever was on the table—just throw it at the kids. They’re clumsy, they’re unwise, they make mistakes—no problem finding a reason to puke all over them and project whatever is inside.
Parenting is challenging, but is it an excuse for traumatizing your own children with lifelong consequences? I highly doubt it.
Everything inside me screams, “You were not right. You were offensive. You ruined my physical and mental health.”
Suddenly realizing that my life matters makes me very furious. It brings a lot of pain.
That’s why, I think, it may be so disturbing for others to witness someone repairing their relationship with anger.
What if your feelings and experiences really matter?
What would you do then?
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